-The Oscars were last night, and here with a recap is one of our writers, Amber Ruffin, in a segment we call “Amber Says What.” -You guys! What?! The Oscars were crazy! Okay, first of all, everyone looked too beautiful. Danai Gurira’s dress was like, what?! Then Kacey Musgraves’ dress was like, what?! And then Regina King’s leg was like, what? Then people were like, “You have to see Billy Porter’s tuxedo.” And I was like, “What?” Then I saw the whole thing! It was like, what?! Aaah! Aaah! Then I saw Paul Rudd and was like, “What… is Paul Rudd’s son doing here?” Then someone was like, “That’s Paul Rudd.” And I was like, “Which one of his parents is black? Because it has not cracked.” Then…
Then the night started, and everyone was like, “Who is gonna win?” And every black person I know was like, “Who cares, as long as it’s not ‘Green Book.'” -Whoo! -Then — Whoo right back at ya. Then right off the bat, “Black Panther” won two Oscars! And I was like, “What, what?!” Yay! And then Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga sang a duet. And I was like ♪ Whaaaaaat ♪ Then “Green Book” — Yeah, you can clap extra ’cause it was so great. Then “Green Book” won Best Screenplay. But the real star was Samuel L. Jackson’s face. ‘Cause he opened up that envelope, and his face was like, “What?” Look at him! I haven’t seen his face look like that since there were a bunch of snakes on his plane. Now, if you think that face was rude, let me give you a little backstory. A million years ago, Samuel L. Jackson was in a Spike Lee movie called “Do the Right Thing,” which is one of the best movies of all time and wasn’t even nominated.
The winner that year was “Driving Miss Daisy.” Fast-forward to today, when another Spike Lee movie lost to “Driving Miss Daisy 2.” This time, the white one drives! Then Alfonso Cuarón won Best Director for “Roma”! And I was like, “What?!” Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Then I read that it was the fifth time in six years a Mexican director won Best Director. And I was like, “Qué?” Shoot. Five Oscars. You better put a door in that border wall for filmmakers.
Trying to see some movies. Aah! Then Olivia Colman won Best Actress, and she was like “What? I thought Glenn Close was going to win.” And Glenn Close was like, “Bitch, so did I!” “Why do you think I came dressed as an Oscar?” Whoo! Yeah! That was so call and response. Whoo! -Whoo! -Y’all stupid. And I was rooting for Glenn Close, because we feel the same way about Billy Porter’s outfit. Check out what she did when she saw it on the red carpet. -The children are serving us with their looks on the red carpet. -Now, I don’t know what happened to her in that moment, but I think it was better than winning an Oscar.
Then “Green Book” won Best Picture. And I was like, “What? Oh, no!” And I yelled it so loud, I woke up my husband, and he was like, “What, did someone break in? What’s wrong?” And I was like, “Worse!” ‘Green Book’ won Best Picture.” And that made me really sad. So I thought about my favorite thing that happened this week. No. Not that one. My second favorite thing that happened this week. Yay! This has been “Amber Says ♪ Whaaaat ♪” -Give it up for Amber Ruffin, everybody. .
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